Always cheers me right up

Small Black is the bomb. Also, going to see Twin Shadow tonight, very very excited :)

Hmmm

Sometimes I meet people and wonder, "how did you get into this school?" I know Ohio State isn't Yale or Harvard, but like, man--it's like walking around at the state fair sometimes.

Fall 2011

Warning: Excessively long post.

I have decided to go back to Tennessee and go to UTK next fall. It was really hard for me to make this choice which seems inexplicable to me considering all Columbus has put me through and how difficult it seems to be for me to function here. My dad told me that, "I can tell you don't want to let it go because I know how much you've put into Ohio State," and it's true, I have tried my best every single day here for two years and it still doesn't feel right. I'm holding onto OSU by a stubborn string. In my mind I am well aware of the reasons that I want to stay here:

1. My job at the Wexner Center, and the Wexner Center in general
2. Being closer to my Dad.
3. One or two really close friends that I will miss.
4. The nightlife, restaurants, museums, shopping (the fact that you can go to a party here and people don't just stare at you, but actually introduce themselves).
5. The amazing buildings (i.e. our library), etc.

But I've come to realize that all of these things are not able to make me happy. I left Knoxville for the sole purpose of getting out of Knoxville and it is difficult for me to objectively accept that Knoxville is in many ways good for me. Film has become very important to me and I think it will be easier to be creative and productive in a climate where I am comfortable and not dealing with extraneous problems all of the time. I want to go to graduate school for Film it and I need to start getting ready as soon as I can.

Coming back will be really strange; maybe it will feel like a time warp, maybe it will feel like I'm going back to high school. I will probably live with my mother and my dog to save money so I can go abroad and participate in film workshops. I'm trying to make mature decisions. Trying to be an adult is tough. I will have to overcome the things that I ran away from in Knoxville, and I will have to let myself let go of this feeling of "failure" that I am harboring. I am trying to accept that "failure" is actually a much more appropriate description for someone who does not try to make themselves happy.

I hope I can adjust when I come back. Columbus feels like my own separate little world now--something that is all mine, and it has changed me. If I hadn't left, I would still be utterly naive about, well, most everything. 

I have felt stressed and unsure about this decision since I made it 24 hours ago. I am scared/confused/disappointed/happy?/relieved?....crazy?< jk.

Heart-breakers

The dogs at the humane society are breaking my heart. They are all so amazing. How could anyone ever buy a dog from a breeder? It's just entirely superficial..I think people that buy dogs should have to watch another one be put down because that is exactly what they are enabling. It's like people just don't want to think about the consequences their actions have--they don't want to be responsible for what they eat, or what they buy because it's usually inconvenient. I sat in a cage with a dog for like 15 minutes while it fell asleep in my arms. I don't know how often I'll be able to go because I hate leaving.

On the flip side, I finally found a recycling center. I had to mapquest my way there. How lame is that, lol.

Advice Column III

If you think you have a sinus infection, go to the doctor--it will not go away on its own. Who would think this you ask? Moi. I have been sick since February 1st and my brand spankin' new medication will last until May 12th. Final sick days tally when I'm through with it all? Approximately 105 days.

Pups

I started volunteering at one of the humane societies in Columbus :) I went to orientation last Saturday morning and I have to go to a second orientation tomorrow morning. After that I get to play with dogs--whenever I want. Best. Idea. Ever. The only thing that breaks my heart is the amount of pit bulls they receive that they have to put right to sleep. Our speaker said that since Ohio has breed specific laws it makes it more difficult or impossible for many people to own the breed and the humane society doesn't have the capacity to house all of them until adoption. :( It's really unfortunate that the habitual actions of many pit bull owners in the past has led them to be banned/restricted from many apartment buildings and in some cases, entire cities. I can't understand the logic in completely banning a breed because there is simply no way a city has the ability to regulate them and it only leads to their demise in the pound. It would be so much nicer to put more effort into outreach and education because they are just like any other dog! And obviously, the bad stigma that surrounds their name needs to be combatted as well. I think the more people that understand what is happening the more likely it is that this type of legislation will slowly disappear. It's not just pit bulls, lists include shar pei's, akita's, certain types of terriers, you name it. Anything that looks scary is a "no-no".

dolls.

Applications

I just applied to UT Knoxville. How crazy would it be if I just came home? Last year I felt like coming back to Knoxville was "giving up" and that Knoxville would seem boring and suffocating. Now I realize that it takes a lot more guts to admit to yourself what actually does make you happy, which is warm weather, open space, and a nice view of the mountains (oh yeah, and my amazing friends ;). I'm trying to be really honest with myself--"what is it that will make me happy?" Even if I did come home, I don't regret coming to OSU. I learned SO much here by the shear fact that life really had it ready for me when I arrived and I had to adjust, and quickly. I don't think I could have gotten that from Knoxville. I feel like I've paid my "life experience" dues and that it would be okay for me to come back now if I decided to. We'llllll see.

1. The Rules of The Game-Jean Renoir

The first French film I chose to watch this quarter was, The Rules of The Game. I chose it for the simple reason that it is a French classic (made in 1939) and I felt slightly obligated. The one thing I have to credit the film for is not for its witty comedy of manners (which was used often during this period in French filmmaking in order to make fun of class distinctions/the bourgeoisie) or the character types (which are, to be honest, sort of archetypal) but rather, the amazing fluidity of the camera the entirety of the second half of the film. I couldn't help but feel that this is what made the film
really great. It sweeps and circles from room to room and face to face as we witness the complete breakdown--comical as it may be--of various marriages and affairs that are being revealed to us at the party.
             It's not worth boring anyone with details of the film, or me trying to think of something profound to say after one viewing (because it usually takes three views to be able to pull much from it) but I will say that one scene I found interesting was the hunting scene. The guests all set out onto M. La Chesnaye's land to hunt rabbits and pheasants and we see probably about 3-5 minutes of rabbits and pheasants actually being shot and killed. I could hardly stand watching it; however, because I found it so hard to watch these poor little animals being shot it made me wonder, "why am I being shown this?". At the end (or maybe it was at the beginning) of the scene, one of the men asks a woman ( I think Madame La Chesnaye) if she enjoys hunting and she responds with something to the likes of "it's alright..". We get a sense that she is just doing it because people of her rank do it. Shot after shot of pointless and anticlimactic killing of rabbits and we start to feel the same way--that it is boring, pointless, a formality--all of which are perhaps social criticisms coming from Renoir.
             The French writers and poets I studied in French literature this fall all possessed a dislike for the bourgeoisie and the same can certainly be said for French filmmakers during this period (and following periods). I guess the only people that like the bourgeoisie are the bourgeoisie. A good film that I saw last year in class that reminds me of this sort of farcical display of class distinctions is Boudu Saved From Drowning (also by Renoir). Oh how I love it when filmmakers make sense. I read an interview of Renoir last year in which he stated something to the extent of, "Filmmakers really only have a desire to communicate one common theme and this same theme or idea takes different forms in different films--but still remains fundamentally the same.." or something like that. I'd have to agree with that, at least for he and his auteur contemporaries in France.