Fall 2011

Warning: Excessively long post.

I have decided to go back to Tennessee and go to UTK next fall. It was really hard for me to make this choice which seems inexplicable to me considering all Columbus has put me through and how difficult it seems to be for me to function here. My dad told me that, "I can tell you don't want to let it go because I know how much you've put into Ohio State," and it's true, I have tried my best every single day here for two years and it still doesn't feel right. I'm holding onto OSU by a stubborn string. In my mind I am well aware of the reasons that I want to stay here:

1. My job at the Wexner Center, and the Wexner Center in general
2. Being closer to my Dad.
3. One or two really close friends that I will miss.
4. The nightlife, restaurants, museums, shopping (the fact that you can go to a party here and people don't just stare at you, but actually introduce themselves).
5. The amazing buildings (i.e. our library), etc.

But I've come to realize that all of these things are not able to make me happy. I left Knoxville for the sole purpose of getting out of Knoxville and it is difficult for me to objectively accept that Knoxville is in many ways good for me. Film has become very important to me and I think it will be easier to be creative and productive in a climate where I am comfortable and not dealing with extraneous problems all of the time. I want to go to graduate school for Film it and I need to start getting ready as soon as I can.

Coming back will be really strange; maybe it will feel like a time warp, maybe it will feel like I'm going back to high school. I will probably live with my mother and my dog to save money so I can go abroad and participate in film workshops. I'm trying to make mature decisions. Trying to be an adult is tough. I will have to overcome the things that I ran away from in Knoxville, and I will have to let myself let go of this feeling of "failure" that I am harboring. I am trying to accept that "failure" is actually a much more appropriate description for someone who does not try to make themselves happy.

I hope I can adjust when I come back. Columbus feels like my own separate little world now--something that is all mine, and it has changed me. If I hadn't left, I would still be utterly naive about, well, most everything. 

I have felt stressed and unsure about this decision since I made it 24 hours ago. I am scared/confused/disappointed/happy?/relieved?....crazy?< jk.